I felt the urge to blog today after spending about an hour and a half reading through the blogging world.  I think it is actually procrastination, but I'm still glowing from organizing the office on Monday (today is Friday) so that we both could work in it.  My desk sits in front of the window where I can set my gaze on the property-line cement brick wall and the south facing outside wall of our neighbor's house.  I can always say when trying to work or write and am stuck, that I've 'hit a wall' or as lost/confused as 'a mule looking at a new fence". 

Anyway,  it is such a challenge being a homemaker who has a type A- personality and must be busy all of the time.  There is much to do from typical mundane chore-work  to completing personal projects (ex. photo books).  And if I want to have  a social life, I must venture out at some point during the week and visit with friends or go to areas where people congregate. 

 But, I tend to LOVE staying holed up at home and working SLOWLY on the various chores and projects.

My groom and I have felt called to adopt, and so much of my time is also spent on reading on the issue and putting together our match letter for the adoption agency we're working with.  It is not easy putting your life in limited words and text in order to catch the eye of an interested birthparent.  It is not easy to show with that limit what we have to offer a child and to send across in words our true personalities.  Very hard.  Makes it easy to procrastinate completing this particular project.  

 (Photo: Uncle Jesse and baby Abby, 8/12/09)

We are also pursuing infertility treatments, but I think we're pretty much at the end of the trail we plan to take with this venue.  IUI treatments are as far as we care to go and we've just started this level with our new fertility doctor.   There comes a time in the adoption process where the childless couple should come to grips with the loss of not giving birth to a biological child...for some it is before they start I would think, while others are still getting through it during the process of case studies and matching.  I personally think it never goes away for the woman, at least, no matter what article I read or adoptive mom I talk to.  I could be wrong, especially since we're still on the front end of this process.  I honestly can't say that I've grieved it through completely and am 'over it', but I do have  a bigger peace given to me by God a few months ago.  The peace is that no matter what, the Lord knows what is best for us and His timing and plans are perfect and beautiful.   I even have a peace if it is in His plans for us to never have children, then so be it....there is reason for it.  But, my mind does wander to thoughts about what would a child Jesse and I would create would be like and look like.  What creation would we create?!

The challenge that is hitting me the hardest right now with the adoption process is how open or closed can I honestly be a part of in the relationship of birthparent/adoptive parent.  The classes we went through actually made me more anxious and unsettled than encouraged and excited.  I fully believe we are called to adopt, as does Jesse, but I'm having trouble separating out what is secular/social and what is biblically sound.  This last statement may not make sense, but sometimes society in the social world seems to push a trend and then slap biblical principals on it, or try to.  My thoughts at this point are still not concrete enough to further blog and convey a clear point to any readers, so I'll stop here.  I know my thoughts and feelings will change as I continue to get educated on the issue and we continue forward through this process, but I pray sincerely for Divine wisdom and clarity in what level of 'openness' of adoption we are to be part.

Advice to family and friends:

I encourage you to get online and look up 'open adoption' and read more about it. A way friends and family can support a couple who is adopting is to become educated themselves on the issue and not always wait for the couple to educate them.  This will help the couple not feel alone as they chart these new adoption territories in their life.    

Realize that the couple is in the 'pregnancy' stage of starting a family....at least in my mind, filling out the paperwork, going through the home study, attending classes, getting background checks and references, and paying the various initial fees, are equivalent to the first trimester.   The second trimester would be equivalent to the wait of being chosen by a birthparent, the matching of the two parties, and the development of the relationship as the birthmom's pregnancy progresses.  The third trimester would be the birth of the child, the waiting period (3-14 days depending on the agency) of the birthmom to make the final decision of whether to parent or to give up her rights to parent, and the weeks to months of hearing from the judge the final decision that the child is legally the adoptive parents' child.  It is when this judge hands down the official court order that our adoption agency suggest baby showers and official celebrations should begin.....as any time sooner may feel like the loss of a miscarriage or stillborn birth if the adoption does not go through.

There's a huge challenge in balancing selflessness and selfishness, charity and security, relinquishment and control.  A third party is introduced in this normally two-party event.....extra challenges that I know I cannot handle on my own.  It will have to be all God's doing!